The past few months have been extremely difficult. I haven't talked about it as much as I should, since frankly re-living trauma just straight up sucks. After my chocolate business, KLADO, burnt down two days before Christmas, I went into a very dark place. A place that I've only visited a handful of times in my life and a place that I hope to never have to go again. I had spent the past two years building my small business. Brining it to life. From a vague idea of wanting to become a businesswoman and dreams of creating an empire. How I was going to do that, I wasn't certain, but my ego and weary confidence kept me forging ahead. How hard could this be? I've overcome so much adversity in my life, what's another one? Well nothing went according to plan. NOTHING.
First, I sold myself short (literally and figuratively). I didn't value my journey and jumped at the first opportunity to have it documented. I didn't value my time, nor what I liked, so I signed a 2 year lease in a dilapidated warehouse under the guise that this would be temporary. That'd I'd most certainly outgrow the space. Plus, why would I invest too much money into something that I wasn't certain would succeed? Mistake #1. If I didn't fully believe I was capable of succeeding then why did I start it in the first place? I'm not saying go out there and liquidate all your credit cards, re-mortgage your home and take risks that could fundamentally ruin your life. What I'm saying is that you need to invest in yourself and your dream if you want to have a fighting chance. I failed to do that. I saw the signs everywhere, yet I choose to ignore them. I could never turn all this around, or so I thought.
I spent numerous days and nights in the freezing weather, making our brigadeiros, sometimes in the dark, since the overhead lighting would just stop working. As a small business owner, I refused to turn down any order, even if it meant I knew I'd regret it later. I'd work tirelessly around the clock and drag my poor husband with me so that he could help pick up some of my slack. It was brutal. It was back breaking and many times I regretted my decision to leave my corporate job. Not just the stability of my job, but the comfort of it. The nice office, with a stunning Statue of Liberty view, the prestige, the "dream" that I had worked so hard to attain. I traded that all in to become a chocolatier. I questioned my decision almost every day, but I wasn't ready to give up...at least not yet. So I stayed the course. Then everything went up in flames.
If you've ever suffered from depression, you know how real that dark place can be. I was there. I was angry. I was tired. I was afraid. I was lost. Why me? I kept saying over and over. I blamed myself for being in this situation. If only I would've been content with my corporate job, none of this would've happened. Now, there I was, on the couch, without a business, without any income, without any hope. I allowed myself to wallow for several weeks (possibly even a few months). Losing everything in the fire was traumatic enough, but then having to fight with insurance, the city, the landlord, etc. to try to recoup anything was exhausting. It took almost six months for the whole ordeal to level out. For me to find solace in the situation. Heck, living across the street from our burnt business also didn't help. Everywhere I looked I was constantly reminded of what I lost. Then, slowly, I started to emerge from my fog of despair and realized that those were just things. That the space was just four walls. Nothing more. That this was a second chance. Suddenly, my perspective started to shift. How many people get a second chance to re-do their business? To start over, but with the wisdom they've gained from their first pass. I did.
I started working on myself. I started confronting my traumas (which btw there are a ton). I started investing in myself. Heck yeah, I was worthy of that new laptop. Heck yeah, I was worthy of signing up for that class. After my mental state was stable(ish), I decided to take a hard look at my life. What I wanted to do and where I'd go from here. I realized that I had previously built a business that had become a ball and chain. Mistake #2. I was tethered to a physical space. I had become enslaved to my business. A business that I originally built with the hopes of having financial freedom. Yet, somehow I had managed to create the exact opposite. So, I knew it was time to change that. The first step was dissecting every facet of my business. Then, I had to own my mistakes and take accountability. Only then, would I be able to look ahead with a clearer vision and create a plan. I revisited my entire business model. What worked. What didn't. What I enjoyed. What I didn't. What I wanted my future life to look like. What I wanted to be known for. What I'd be proud of. Through this process, I also realized that I loved helping people, especially other women who are in similar situations I've faced. I knew I wanted to give back. Through this discovery, Lady Loris was born. Through this process, I relaunched KLADO, but in a way that worked for me. I knew that in order for me to run two young business simultaneously, I'd have to make some difficult decisions. The first was having to forgo my micro-retail.
I was extremely proud of my micro-retail. How I had converted a former 50 sqft ATM space into a full retail experience. I leveraged inspiration from my travels through Europe to maximize the space and create something magical. The issue was that I was working the retail 4 days a week and spending the other 3 days making the products to sell. I had become so focused on making sales in the retail, that I forgot what my ultimate goal was. What I had set out to create in the beginning. I had become laser focused on making a dollar that I had no time to strategize. To make a plan. I was in survival mode. So, I made the difficult decision to change the approach, starting with relinquishing my tiny retail space. I spent months agonizing over this decision. Second guessing it. Telling myself that I'd never find such a perfect space again. That this would be the end of my business. BUT, that same voice would then reassure me that I was making the right decision. I knew I was making the right decision. I reviewed the financials. I projected out and the data didn't lie. Retail was not the way forward, at least not yet. There were opportunities all around me and I saw them. I wanted to seize them and the only way to do was to free myself. I wanted to spend more time doing this, writing. I wanted to spend more time teaching, coaching and helping women to find their path. Yet, I still wanted to keep growing KLADO.
After agonizing over every discussion and permutations of what could happen, I finally sent the email. The email that I'd be vacating my retail space at the end of the month. I felt relieved, but also scared. What's next? I decided to go for a walk outside and take a breath. I found this nice empty bench overlooking the water. As soon as I sat down, a grasshopper jumped right in front of me. It landed on a flower petal adjacent to me. I haven't seen a grasshopper in years and then suddenly, there it was. Minutes after I had made the difficult decision to forgo my store. A decision that I felt would propel me backwards, not forward. Was this the world's way of affirming my decision? Affirming that I was on the right path? Affirming that in order to move ahead, I'd need to make changes? I always knew grasshoppers symbolized good luck and good fortune, but I decided to Google "meaning of seeing grasshopper" and low and behold this is what I found:
"The grasshopper is a symbol of good luck and fortune, focus, abundance, intuition, taking a leap of faith, intuition, achievement, freedom, wealth, and patience. Grasshoppers represent a connection to the higher self, the spiritual world, and listening to our inner voice..."
Yes, little grasshopper, I see you. I hear you. Thank you for visiting me when I needed it. Thank you showing me that sometimes you just have to leap, because staying idle is not an option. Staying comfortable is not the way forward. How could I expect things to change, if I didn't instill change? How could I expect a different outcome, if I kept doing the same thing? The answer is simple, I can't.
Most times, the hardest decisions are the right ones. The hardest decisions will help you grow. It will help shape your future. It will free you of what's weighing you down. What's holding you back from your true self.
So, today, let me be your grasshopper. Let me be the one to reaffirm that your intuition is correct. That your inner voice is speaking and that you should listen, even if it hurts. That you are worthy of so much more. That you are capable of creating the life you deserve. That you can change your current circumstances, all you have to do is believe. Believe in yourself. Believe that the universe has your back (even when it torches your entire business). Believe that things happen, some times for a reason and others just because. Believe that your perspective is key. Your perspective will shape your attitude, your drive and your future.
So, go out there. Seek a grasshopper. Be a grasshopper. Jump. Leap. Believe. You're a warrior; go out there and conquer your dreams!
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