Saying "no" can be extremely difficult, especially if you're a woman. Growing up, the word "no" was barely in my vocabulary. As a woman, I grew up thinking that I should always accept things as they were. That I should accept how people treated me. That I should accept my circumstances. That I should accept I'd have to do things I didn't want to, from giving that creepy family friend a hug at the holiday get together to driving 2+ hours to an event simply because I couldn't imagine what the repercussions of a "no" would entail. At times, I think this mindset of being a "yes" person stemmed from my culture where you should do things to make people happy, even if its at your own expense.
I was always the person that said "yes". Yes, to that additional workload. Yes, to inviting that estranged family member to my wedding. Yes, to canceling my plans. Yes, to putting others first. Yes, yes, yes and more yes. I didn't realize how much "yessing" I was doing, until I became buried in unwanted things, events, responsibilities and people in my life. How did this happen? Where had the time gone? Where did I go?
Here I was, spending countless hours complaining about someone and/or something all of which I thought I had no control off. Then, it dawned on me, the reason I had become inundated with all this "unwanted" stuff, was because I had no boundaries. I always thought it was easier to take everything on. It was easier for me to just do it. It was easier for me to just "suck it up". I didn't want to risk making someone upset. I didn't want to risk being passed up for the next role. I didn't want to risk being perceived as selfish. I didn't want to risk being alienated. I didn't want to risk having a confrontation. Well, little did I know that I what I was risking was my sanity, my time and my dreams all in an attempt to avoid making someone mad, angry or disappointed.
My constant "yessing" had made me into someone who could be counted on, someone who would always show up and deliver. All of this was great, but I had become a hoarder of unwanted responsibilities and things, that would slowly kill my vibe. I knew I had to start shedding all the "yes" things I'd accrued. So, I decided to take small steps.
First, I practiced saying "no" to small things. No, to the extra value meal. No, to taking on a last minute gig. Then, I started upping my "no" game. No, to attending holiday events with unvaccinated guests. No, to lowering my pricing. No, no, no... Suddenly, I was starting to see the inside of my soul. Much like someone who has a hoarding compulsion, I started taking piles of metaphorical "yes" papers and throwing them out. I started becoming more selective with the things I allowed myself to say "yes". I started putting myself first. I started shedding all the things that were holding me down.
For some, putting yourself first can be perceived as selfish. That you're inflexible. That you only care about YOU. Well, the truth is putting yourself first is essential. If you don't take car of yourself, then how can you take care of others? Much like flying when the flight attendants say prior to takeoff, "In the event of an emergency, please place your oxygen mask on yourself first, then others..." Boundaries are so important. They help keep you sane. Unfortunately, we as a society have been conditioned to correlate "yes" to success and happiness. I'm not advocating saying "no" to everything and become a reclusive hermit crab, but I am saying yes to more "no's!"
All of us have tons of responsibilities, many of which we cant shake off, but the key is finding things that you can let go of. Is it finally saying the truth that you hate olives and would rather not have to drink Aunt Sussie's dirty martinis every Thanksgiving? Is it saying you're too tired to go out and would rather be in bed at 8PM? Is it saying you're already overwhelmed with your current workload to take on more? Is it politely declining that new job or role that you know will own your life? Is it saying goodbye to old and new relationships that are draining your energy? Is it standing up for what you believe in even if that means alienating some people? Is it simply saying "no" to something or someone in an effort to protect your inner peace? We all have things that are weighing us down, but it's our responsibility to dig through the clutter that is our responsibilities and carefully select the things that matter.
So, if you're like me and find yourself in a slew of unwanted things and responsibilities, take a moment. It may be a minute, a day, a month... or even year, but start re-evaluating how you spend your time. Are there things or people that take more than they give? Are there situations that you dread? Are there events or gatherings that you'd rather stab your eyeballs out with a fork than attend? Are there people that leave you feeling deflated and exhausted after spending time with them? These are all things that are not serving you and it's your responsibility to start letting go. Start saying "no". If you're uncomfortable saying "no", you can start out with something softer. For instance, instead of "no", you can use one of the following:
Let me think about it
Let me get back to you on this
Maybe next time
I don't think this is a good time
I wish I could, but...
Remember, you don't always need to follow these soft no's with an explanation (Except, if you think the situation warrants it). Of course, providing a justification can ease the tension, but many times it's not necessary. I've learned this the hard way. As someone who hated saying "No", whenever I had to pass on something, I would always craft an explanation as to why. And, guess what? 99% of the time it backfired and I ended up reverting back to a "yes."
As a former "yesser" I can attest that building up my boundary fence has freed me to focus more on what makes me happy. It's allowed me to avoid crappy situations. It's helped me take control of time and ultimately my life. It's allowed me to be present when I do say yes. It's helped keep my energy up and my mental health protected.
So, next time you don't feel like doing something. Try saying "no." You may be surprised as to how freeing uttering this little word can be. Create an electric fence around your energy and protect it like it's Fort Knox.
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