I hate Valentine's Day! There, I said it. I've never been a huge fan of the big V-day, where people spend a boat load of money on flowers that will wilt, crappy store bought chocolate and cheesy cards all thanks to commercialism. Of course the majority of holidays are made-up and given some sort of significance by someone from ancient civilization and some dating back to B.C. I'm not a total grinch! I do think Valentine's Day can be thoughtful, especially when I see a man who's in his 80s picking out flowers for what I assume is his partner to the teen boy agonizing over which bouquet to buy. It's cute and it warms my heart seeing love of all spectrums, especially those that have withered the test of time and young love. The issue I have with Valentine's Day is that why is it only one day?
Why is that we allow ourselves to show our love for someone for one day only? Why is that we only buy flowers on Feb 14th? Why is that we splurge on a gift that screams "I love you" for one holiday? Why is that we contain our feelings and allow ourselves to express them for 24 hours only? Why isn't Valentine's Day every day?
I've never liked Valentines Day, especially when I was younger. In my younger years, I was overweight, had really frizzy short hair with bangs (gasp!) and was just an awkward girl. I was smart, but not nerdy enough to hang out with the smart kids. I was cool(ish), but not cool enough to be besties with the popular kids. I was somewhere in the middle. Just...there. Just... Jen. When I was in middle school all of the popular girls had boyfriends. They would walk down the hallways holding hands. The boy would always have his arm over the girl's shoulders when the stood next to each other. I wanted a boyfriend so badly. I wanted someone to think I was pretty. I wanted someone to "love" me. I know, I know, so cliche! But that's the idea that was sold to me by all of the TV shows I watched. Saved by the Bell. Boy meets World. Family Matters. Back in the 90s everything was about someone having a crush on someone. So, just like everyone else, I wanted that feeling. I wanted to have a crush and I wanted to be crushed on. Which is why I always dreaded Valentine's Day.
Valentine's Day always made me feel lonely, even when I did have a boyfriend. I always had some sort of unrealistic expectation, that he'd buy me balloons, flowers, etc. I felt as though his love should be summed up in the gifts he purchased. I would agonize over what to get my boyfriends. Making $5.45/hr in my part-time job (isn't it crazy that $5 and change was minimum wage back in the day?!) I would save up as much as possible to purchase my boyfriend that fancy Tommy Hilfiger cologne and maybe, just maybe a stuffed animal. Looking back on all of this it was sooo silly. But back then, it meant everything to me.
The silliest thing of all, was my dream of having flowers delivered to the main office of my school. When they'd announce your name over the loudspeaker, asking you to come to the main office, only to be greeted with a bouquet of flowers. You'd grab the bouquet, pretending to be surprised and not certain of who's it from (as if you had sooo many lovers). You'd take out the little card that's buried within the bouquet and there you'd find a note from your boyfriend (shocker!). Typically a one liner written in barely legible ink and signed. Then, you'd proudly parade down the hallway with your bouquet in tote and anticipating what you'd say to anyone who asked. You'd carry that bouquet around all day, to all your classes, highlighting to everyone that someone loved you! I wanted this sooo badly. Valentine's Day was this scenario on repeat. "Jenna, please come to the main office..." "Jackie, please come to the main office..." "Gracie, please come to the main office..." Girl, after girl who had a boyfriend would have their names echo from the loudspeaker and within minutes they'd re-emerge with flowers. Me, however, never had my name called. I would always patiently wait. Patiently hope, that maybe, just maybe, this year would be different. But, nope, I never heard my name...until one day.
I can't remember exactly how old I was, but I do remember it was Valentine's Day. I think I had just broken up with a boyfriend who sucked and was super down. Like many others, I thought the guy I was dating at 13, 14, 15 onwards would be my soulmate. We'd be together forever and live happily ever after. Spoiler alert, that didn't happen. But this one Valentine's Day, I hear "Jen Prado, please come to the main office..." I jumped up in excitement! Yes, it was finally happening. It was finally my turn. I was surprised that my ex wanted me back. That he must've really loved me. That he actually cared. As I walked past the desk of several of the other girls who've already received their flowery token of love, I couldn't believe that I would be joining their ranks. That I too, was loved! I casually sprint to the main office and there it is. A large bouquet of flowers sitting on the counter. I contain my excitement and double check if they are for me. "Yes, it's for you," says the secretary with a smile. Wow! Ramon isn't soo bad after all. I grab the bouquet and quickly find the note card. Suddenly, my heart drops. The flowers weren't from Ramon, my ex-boyfriend, they were from my MOM!?!?
Within seconds I went from elation to rage. Why would my mom send me flowers? Why would she send me flower at school? Was she trying to ruin what little reputation I had built for myself? Was she trying to make me even more upset that I was dumped by a guy who I had become borderline obsessed with? Why? Why? Why? I wanted to throw the flowers in the trash and pretend they weren't for me. I was angry with my mom and I couldn't understand what the point of her doing this was. I couldn't carry these flowers around with me all day. I couldn't tell my friends these flowers were from my MOM! WTF?! So, I ask the secretary if I could leave the flowers in the office and pick them up at the end of the day. Of course she says no problem, so there the flowers stayed. When I returned back to class, the girls asked me what happened and I brush it off saying it was nothing. There was no way I was letting the entire class know that my mom sent me flowers. Nope. Not happening.
At the end of the school day, I go back to the office and pick up the flowers. I wait for my mom to pick me up and keep hoping that she'd run me over instead. When she arrives, I burst out in tears and being yelling at her as to why would she send me flowers... My poor mom, looked so confused and all I can remember her saying was "I thought you said you always wanted flowers sent to you at school..."To which I blurt out, "YES! BUT NOT FROM YOU!"Ouch! That was mean Jen. Total a$$hole move there...But in my defense those teen hormones are vicious. Ever since that moment, I vowed to downplay all things Valentine's Day and categorically hate flowers, especially roses. I became the Darth Vader of Love.
It's so strange, as I haven't thought about this story for over 20 years, until today. Maybe it was because all weekend I kept seeing men with flowers. Maybe it was because of the lines of people waiting to have their flower bouquets complimentary wrapped at Whole Foods on Saturday. Maybe because I saw so many women buying and carrying their own flowers (heck yeah!!! You go girl!) Maybe it was because the husband bought me roses today. Maybe it was because this year my chocolate business burnt down... I have no clue as to why this memory came crashing through this morning and for the first time, my heart actually hurt for being such a tool-bag to my mom. My poor mom who went out of her way to buy me flowers, have it sent to the school, all in hopes of making my "dream" come true. Her intentions were pure. They were kind. She wanted to show me that I was loved. I wished I would've been clearer about my original desire of "I always wanted my BOYFRIEND to send me flowers to school..." as opposed to "I always wanted SOMEONE to send me flowers to school." This one is on me, but looking back on this moment, it was everything! Thanks mom for being my first Valentine!
So, if you're like me, I refuse to accept flowers only on Valentine's Day! If the husband only buys me a bouquet of overpriced weeds on Feb 14th, I'd rather him not. Heck, I'm much more of cactus kind of girl anyway. Cactus live longer, are easier to care for and somehow resemble my inner personality. However, I'm fortunate to have married a pretty nice Valentine who has joined a monthly flower subscription program, so every month I'm surprised with a new, random bouquet of something with a note. Love should be more than just one day. It should be more than just that one bouquet of roses, that one fancy dinner, that one box of chocolate. Celebrate love often. Even if you don't have a significant other, celebrate YOU! Celebrate with your loved ones. Valentine's Day should simply be a reminder to show love, not the excuse! So go out there and tell everyone that matters to you "I love you!"
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