I used to think that depression was a rich person problem. That only if you had the time and money were you allowed to wallow. It was a luxury to be able to call out of work. To stay in bed all day. To shut off the world. To just be. This was a "luxury" that I never had. I always had to get up, go to work and just deal. I I also never understood why or how someone would be depressed... until now.
I have friends and family members who have struggled with depression their entire life. Most of them have learned to cope either through therapy or with the help of daily medications. I could never comprehend how someone could go into such dark places and remove themselves from society. Little did I know that depression was slowly creeping into my own life.
I've always been someone who planned for the worst, but hoped for the best. When things got really shitty, I would always try to use the power of perspective. Things weren't so bad, since they could always be worse. I always tried to find the light and humor in every situation. For instance, the time I got ran over by a food truck and then mobbed by strangers who claimed I was at fault for walking on the sidewalk. WTF!? I tried to find humor in the situation, after the fact of course. I tend to deal with things through humor and jokes. Thats how I stayed in corporate America for so long. When I didn't get that promotion that I so rightfully deserved, I convinced myself that at least I was making the same salary and was still employed. Plus, did I really want that extra responsibility that came with getting restricted stocks? Why, of course not. Who would? Lies! Even when our entire bathroom flooded, I was upset at first, but then I shifted my perspective to say "Hey! Now I have an excuse to re-do the bathroom." Yes, my logic is at times flawed, but trying to find the positives in really crappy situations helps!
Over the past year a lot of traumatic shit has happened! From loss both personally and professionally. From one disappointment to another. From having your entire life ripped from underneath you to have to re-figure things out. To having to find myself again.
I honestly had no idea what depression felt like. Yes, there were days were I was unmotivated and all I wanted to do was binge watch cat movies (btw: I hate cats. They scare the crap out of me and they're so judgey. Every time I've ever been in a room with a cat, they sit and stare at me perched on-top of some furniture, ready to pounce on me at any moment. Plus, they stare as I reach for that extra handful of chips. Not cool). I was constantly angry. Constantly unhappy. I seemed to just be going through life. Just dealing, yet overwhelmed about everything. If I needed to send an email, I'd re-write and re-read the same thing over and over. You'd think I was sending the revised proclamation of the United States to the president. I was slowly losing it and I couldn't understand why.
Life wasn't so bad. Yes, a whole lot of bad things happened, including COVID, but overall things were ok. Everyone was healthy. My small business was still in business. My husband and I still got along despite being together 24x7 in a small apartment. I didn't have much to be unhappy about, but for some reason I just couldn't shake off the feeling of unfulliment, resentment and simply rage.
I knew things weren't going well for me mentally, when I became so angry when the husband asked me a couple of times what I wanted for dinner. I legit lost my mind. "Why don't you just make a decision? I don't care!" I yelled. I broke down in a full blown sob. Why did life feel so difficult? Why was I so angry? Well, the answer came in the form of a yearly check-up with my doctor. After having a simple a conversation on how I'm doing, he said to me, I think you may be depressed. What? Depressed? That's impossible. "I don't have the time to be depressed," I respond. He smiles and calmly explains: "You've had a lot of life changes this past year. COVID alone is enough to make someone depressed. You've suffered loss this year. You've left your career. We underestimate how important our identity can be and if things happen that alter or change our identify that can be difficult." He continues,
"For instance, this drawer. It's full of stuff. Sometimes we overfill the drawer with stuff and we're no longer able to close it. That's how our emotions are. If you have a lot of undealt and unprocessed stuff, your emotional drawer gets stuck and can no longer close. So you need to take some time to sift through all the stuff. When you're re-organizing what's in the drawer, some bad stuff may be brought up to the top and you'll need to deal with those first. Once you've gone through the stuff that's overflowing you'll be able to re-organize what's in the drawer. Then, the drawer can close again."
Wow! Who knew my primary doctor could be so philosophical. I still didn't really agree with his diagnosis. I was convinced that there was something physically wrong with me. Maybe an infection somewhere, an under-active thyroid, low vitamin C, something chemically wrong... Nope. My bloodwork came back normal, which confirmed I was physically healthy. Just mentally sick.
After that conversation with my guru doctor, I realized I had overlooked myself. I had underestimated what leaving my job would do to me. How losing loved ones affected me. How I had years of unprocessed emotions. How burying my feelings for so many years, was catching up to me. How being strong for everyone else caused me to weaken myself. At that moment, I vowed to start putting myself first. To start speaking up. To not be a victim of my circumstances. That in order for me to get better, I had to free myself of all the negatively charged emotional stuff that I've been stuffing away for years.
So, if you're feeling tired, unmotivated, unhappy, angry or just down right like crap, know that you're not alone. If you're depressed, know that you are not alone. There are so many people going through similar things, just as you are.
Stop comparing your stuff to others. Stop trying to please everyone. Stop trying to be perfect. Stop trying to deal with everything alone. Instead, allow yourself to feel. Allow yourself to process emotions. Open up. Speak up. Say "no". Protect your happiness at all cost! It's okay to not be okay. Acknowledge it. Then, Marie Kondo the shit out of your emotional stuff! I promise you, your drawer will slowly start to close. Mine has...
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