Why are we defined by what we do? Let's challenge that and be more than just a..
After throwing gasoline on my career and lighting a match, I was lost. I had lost my identity, which I never realized was somewhat tied to what I did. For so many years, I was known as "Jen who had a big job with a high salary... and unhappy." I never really liked my job or working as a whole, although I'm sure most of us feel the same way.
I could never relate to those people who would claim they loved their job, they loved what they did and how indispensable they were. Ef that! Maybe I had become jaded so early on in my career, that I just didn't buy into all that bulls#^t. I worked because I had to, not because I enjoyed it. I hated getting up early. I hated taking the subway and being crammed in with hot sweaty strangers. I hated spending $15 for a mediocre lunch. I hated having to pretend to care and I hated even more what I would have to give up to "make it." Yes, I had student loans to repay. I had never ending credit card bills and I had a ridiculously high monthly home mortgage, so unless I found a hidden trust fund somewhere I had no other option, but to sell my soul for that bi-weekly paycheck.
I worked with this sort of mindset for years. Every couple of years I would have a slight career change. From consultant to business analyst to ultimately project management, all sprinkled with some promotions in-between. Regardless of my title, I never seemed to make enough money and I always worried about tomorrow. How would I ever pay off all my debt? How could I afford to have a kid? Who would take care of my parents in their old age? Heck, who would take care of us? Despite all my fears, I just couldn't accept the fact that I would have to work for the man (literally, since ALL upper management where men) until I turned 65. I couldn't accept this reality. There had to be an alternate reality! There had to be something "more" and I was set on finding "IT".
As I gaslit my career, seemingly overnight everything changed. I wasn't prepared for what came next. I realized that I liked the perception of what I did, who I worked for, and the elusive power that I had at work. I didn't miss my old job, but I missed complaining about it and I sure as hell missed those paychecks. Then, one conversation brought all of these feelings to the surface.
I was (wo)manning my store and this lady comes in. She buys a small box of brigadeiros and we start having a conversation. She asks me how things are going and what not. Then, she says, "Oh, you left your job to be a baker?" Wooooahhh! What is that supposed to mean?!? Did I sense a condescending undertone in that question or am I losing my mind?!
For some reason her question really bothered me. I wanted to correct her and tell her that NO I'm not a baker, but a chocolatier and that I created my own company. Instead, I freeze with rage and smile. Ugh! I have a bad habit of not speaking up and instead internalize my response/thoughts, and telling my self just smile.
After she left, I kept replaying our interaction over and over in my head. I was so angry and I couldn't understand why. Yes, maybe she thought leaving the stability of a job to venture out and create artisan chocolates was foolish, but to me it was so much more. Then, I realized why I was so pissed off. It was because she thought I was singular. That I could only be one thing! That we, as women, are defined by what we do and what we become.
"We're so much more than just one thing, especially one role, one job, one title. We're wives, we're mother's, we're business women, we're dreamers, we're bad a$$es, we're whatever we want to be! We should NEVER allow one thing to define us. We should not be defined by what we do. We are not singular."
Society tries to define our worth and who we are by what we do, but why? Is it because society was built be men and they believed that women could have only have two roles mother and/or wife? Is it because we live in a capitalistic world or is it as simple as we're projecting ourselves and views on others? I don't know why we care so much about what someone does for a living, but all I know is that I HATE IT!
I hate getting asked the dreaded question "What do you do?". I never understood why it mattered what I did. I understood even less why a complete stranger would care about what I had to do to paid my bills. The older I got and the more functions I had to attend, the more that question annoyed me. I know for many, this question is harmless and it's just a way of making conversation. It's a way to find commonalities, but honestly, the last thing I want to do is talk about work to a complete stranger. The "what do you do?" question is the American way of asking "how much are you worth and should I socialize with you?"
So the next time you go to a party or anywhere for that matter and you meet someone new, instead of asking them "what do you do?", ask them what they like to do for fun? or what's their hobby? what's their favorite movie? Let's change our opening line. Let's change our ice break questions. Let's find commonalities outside of work. Let's get to know someone for more than how they get paid and instead let's learn about what makes them, THEM.
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